Dealing with a defensive ex can be a real hassle. After all, how do you talk to someone who is always acting like you’re attacking them? It can be difficult, but not impossible. In fact, there are a few ways you can improve your communication…
Defensive Ex: How To Communicate
Avoid “blame” language
A defensive ex will look for anything they can use to quickly derail the conversation. “Blame” languageis an easy way for them to do so. For example, saying something like “You didn’t do this” or “You aren’t listening to me” just gives them an easy way to become defensive, and make you frustrated.
Instead, do your best to avoid language like this. Same with using words like “never” or “always”. Words like those are very definitive, and don’t provide a lot of wiggle room. Plus, they can be very critical, making it easy for your ex to go on the defensive.
Start on a positive note
A good way to talk to a defensive ex is to start on a positive note. Focusing on something that they did which was helpful can be a good way to defuse the tension. Plus, it’ll help your ex see that you’re not interested in attacking them, but actually talking.
For instance, maybe you could mention how helpful it was when they were able to watch the kidson short notice. This is a nice way to let your ex know two things. Firstly, that their efforts aren’t going unnoticed, and secondly, that you’re not coming into the conversation to pick on them.
Keep your cool
A defensive ex is usually always looking for a way to justify their behavior. After all, constant defensiveness is usually a sign that they don’t want to take certain responsibilities for their actions. One easy way they can find that justification is by making you angry. If you loose your cool, then they can quickly spin things into an attack on them.
Therefore, it’s important to keep your cool. When your ex starts to get defensive, take a breath and let them know you aren’t attacking them. If they still are being defensive, just ask to take a break, and leave if you must. It’s much better to keep your cool than end up angry and frustrated.
